WIP - The Beginnings

  1. Thank you for doing this, I know this is a paradoxical quest and these types of general questions cannot be so easily summed.

  2. Thank you for having me, it is a good topic to think on in this way. Sharing these types of reflections feels both cathartic - even if I feel I am not making sense along the way.

  3. I am sure you will make sense. Everyone is coming to this with a different lens.

  4. Your reassurance is appreciated.

  5. If you feel ready, let’s begin.

  6. Sure.

A. Tell me about your experience so far?

B. Well it has been an adventure, that is for sure. I never anticipated to feel so little - but then I also feel so full to bursting so it is quite the paradox isn’t it now? It is funny really, to have something so big happening, so life-altering but to not have a clear image of how you feel about it. You always have an idea of how you should feel, yeah? What the right emotion or response could be? I find I usually lean into how I think I should react and that then guides me into how I really feel - I either relate to that emotion and can find the nuance in my own body or I am violently opposed to the action, my whole body aggressively pushing back on the notion. I guess in this circumstance there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ there is only unique experience, either way is shared by popular opinion. One is obvious more favorable, more positive therefore appealing to the masses but both accepted nonetheless. I suppose so far it leans more positive - I contain more excitement and inspiration over fear and discomfort, though both of those creep in at times. I feel as though this experience has already granted me with more access to inspiration and drive then I have been able to conjure in the last few years and I would count that as a major win, though this wasn’t planned or thought out necessarily. The universe always knows what is right though. Extenuating circumstances allow for happy accidents and new directions. The experience has trended upward is what I am trying to get around to. Needed, I think.

A. Do you have any specific hopes for how you will continue to feel throughout this process?

B. It feels futile to put any expectation into this, as I have no idea what this experience could bring - only references to what others have stated can and will happen throughout. It is also a lifelong journey we are embarking on, there is no end date. Just points and landmarks to sit on and reflect when we least expect it. Those moments will come randomly - while taking a walk on a sunny day, during a nighttime routine, cooking breakfast - all I can really hope to do is be ready for them. To try to be as present as possible so none of them slip by before I can grab ahold. To be able to readily reflect at any given time. To fully sit in each moment, soak up every moment. I guess I really just hope to be as aware as I can be that the period will never exist again in that way, it is singular and unique in nature so whatever fullness I can bring to it I should. I hope to not lie in regret as I so consistently find myself doing, to be able to let shortcomings go and to move forward with gusto.

A. What have been the major takeaways throughout this time?

B. Definitely to let go - in many, many ways. Let go of expectation, let go of fear, let go of bitterness. Whatever comes, let it come and wash over you in full spectrum. Trying to control or contain any piece of this is redundant and will only cause frustration. Also that intuition is learned. I was always under the impression that your gut knows best and should be followed without question but I am learning now that though the gut/intuition is a fantastic guiding factor it is still something to be cared for and tended to. The gut is informed by experience and knowledge, by being both listened to and ignored. It needs that duality to be shaped and morphed. So follow that feeling with tenacity, but without expectation of perfection or the ideal outcome. The gut works in tandem with the universe - you may follow it and have an idea of what you want from it but it is working towards something greater than your own minds framework.

A. Any advice to anyone else embarking on the path you’ve chosen?

B. I don’t feel as though I am in a place to advise anyone, on anything really. I have never felt more humbled or inspired to listen and observe. In a spiritual sense, allowing myself to absorb without needing to give has been something special - though I am constantly giving physically and emotionally. My spirit needed replenishing. I needed to go through a rebirth without myself getting in the way. I had built up too many obstacles to get anywhere on my own, my mental fortitude became an obstruct in its own right. The thing is there are so many ironic parts to this learning process. You are still giving, but receiving more in abundance (that is simply perspective). What is happening is both a choice but also a feeling of being chosen. It is a path anyone can choose to walk in a multitude of ways, but some never will for many reasons. It is clarifying but also muddling, simultaneously focusing while blurring. The unknown is inevitable but less terrifying than it ever was before. I suppose you just feel a real sense of purpose - I needed to be shown purpose again. My advice is to learn softness within. Soften all of those criticisms you burden yourself with and begin to unpack the mental boxes you boarded up so strongly. Unlearning and relearning is the only way forward, you can never go back and you will never be the same. There is no point in trying to carry on in a way you once did because you do not exist in that realm anymore. You are different now. And this rebirth is only going to happen more frequently now. The shedding of old skin into new will become the new normal - find peace with this sentiment. Find tenderness as you release what was.

  1. Well, this concludes our talk. Again I thank you for the reflections and willingness to share with others. I can’t imagine this is an easy task.

  2. The pleasure is mine. I look forward to checking back in. With gratitude.